| I can't believe that I'm actually on Xanga! This is only the second time that I've been on here in over a week! I know some other people who could get through but I never could.
I definitely do like the features here but lots of things have been happening and I needed somewhere to write so I started up the blog at Live Journal. If things consistently back on board here, I will probably be here.
I'm going to try copying my entries from LJ, hopefully they will show up. Friday, August 15th, 2003 5:44 pm So Much to Say/It's a Pity Party Inside My Head Today Was a wonderful morning this morning. Not hot, kind of chilly, smelled wonderful. Went for a drive by myself after a prenatal with P this morning. Got a huge urge to sell all my stuff and move to the mountains in a log cabin with no electricity. Truly, this has been a secret fantasy of mine for a long time. Maybe someday, would have to work through my materialism issues first though. It inspired me to get rid of some stuff though that I hadn't been planning on getting rid of before. Speaking of materialism, my brother's friend will be coming over tomorrow morning to install my 10 CD changer into my car. I've been without it since my old car broke down in April and it's holding all my Dave Matthews Band CD's in it. I can't believe I've gone this long without listening to him. I miss it. It feels strange to be posting on Live Journal now. I still miss Xanga a lot and will probably go back there if they can get things up and running consistently again. I feel alone here. Maybe that's a good thing since I know some of the people who post comments on my journal so I feel that sometimes I censor things out of fear of upsetting them or fear of how I will be perceived. I worry sometimes because P reads this and even though I don't think it'd ever happen I worry that she might read a post in here and then decide to cut ties. I can't decide if it's a good thing or a bad thing that we read each other's journals. I feel so alone right now in my midwifery journey. I feel like I don't know anyone who is at the space that I'm at right now even though I have great people who have been there before that I can talk to. I feel strange trying to fit into a birth community where I'm either too experienced or not experienced enough. I get irritated easily when I feel that I'm being left out of something and that becomes overwhelming quickly. I feel a little disconnected from the path but very connected at the same time. I'm questioning what I want, questioning what I need, questioning where my personal life fits in with all of this, questioning how I'm going to pay for things, questioning if I should just give up. I listen to other students/midwives who have read all these books and gone to all these conferences and seen all these videos and I think "I used to do that, why don't I do that now?". I feel like the passion is gone, the drive has left. Will it ever come back? Is this a sign that midwifery is not what I should be doing? I feel like crap, why would anybody want me around? I'm tired, I'm grumpy, I'm defensive, I have an ego, I'm sick of some things already, I sometimes hate reading about everybody else's perspectives on how birth should be. I am a student midwife who feels like sometimes I shouldn't be doing this. I am a student midwife who feels like sometimes I should ONLY be doing this. My only consolation is when the pager goes off, I'm always ready to drop everything and go. I know this is all because of my impending birthday next week, something strange happens when it comes. I think that it's because my mother was pretty overdue with me (4 weeks) that she felt like she was dying and carried a lot of anxiety and that's what I feel this time of the year. It sets off my flight response every year and I just want to get away no matter what. I feel so many emotions right now. Bruised ego, excitement, over confident, insecure, not sure how to put my emotions into words, in awe, stupid. I listen to P talk and I just think about how I could never be able to form a sentence as beautifully as she does. I'm not good at understanding a good time and place to voice opinions, etc. I feel guilty because I feel like I let her down by letting a bruised ego take over me and so I never went to the postpartum visits with the mom who had the outdoor waterbirth because I wasn't invited to the birth. I guess that I've felt that for some deep reason I did not go to that birth and I feel that it's important to carry that over into the postpartum. The mama and P have an awesome relationship that I felt I stifled by my presence and I didn't feel comfortable letting that continue. It makes me evaluate my presence with the other couples that P is working with also because I have to constantly think "I might not be invited to their birth" which is very sad. And now, for some more pity party. An email that I got today from P sparked a lot of emotion (not your fault, sorry this post is going to be a big drag). When I started doula-ing nobody would talk to me. I had to learn everything by myself. I called everybody whose name I could get a hold of and no one would call me/write me back or be availible when I needed a shoulder to cry on because I was seeing bad things in the hospitals. I worked hard to get the word out on doulas and put flyers and cards up everywhere and talked to many offices, volunteered at the prison, volunteered in childbirth prep classes, volunteered basically all my time, wrote letters, sent emails. It was exhausting. I felt so alone. Even in attempts to find back-up doulas it was difficult to find someone availible when I needed help even though I had been availible for them so I worked alone and carried a lot of stress by practicing by myself and never taking any time off and never going anywhere. I heard from doulas who were new or women who were wanting to go through training and I talked to them and answered all of their questions truthfully without any sugar coating about what it was like to be a doula in this area. Later I started getting phone calls from people who'd gotten my name from local hospitals and were calling all the doulas in the area to see who would be the best fit. I started hearing things like "we heard from the other doula that you've never had children before and so you can't really understand the process", "we heard you're only ___ years old", etc. I felt completely stabbed in the back. I couldn't believe it. I started hearing about doula meetings that were happening that no one had told me about and it just hurt. I was still alone even though the community was growing. They knew I was here, they knew how to get in touch with me, but nobody did. Why? Maybe I wasn't welcoming enough, maybe it's because I'm a student midwife, maybe it's because I had said that I was thinking of restricting my practice, maybe it's because I never charged any money until recently, maybe it was because I was over confident, maybe I'm not a good person to get along with, maybe I'm just a bad person, maybe it's because I'm insecure. Maybe it's because deep down I know that I probably wouldn't go anyway (so what am I bitching about?). I guess the bottom line is that I think it fucking sucks that I worked so damn hard in this area to get the word out on doulas and after I spent tons of time, money, and effort I don't even get invited to meetings by the doulas themselves. I'm sorry, big ego trip. I feel guilty. I'm sorry, I'm crying, I need to unplug and listen to music by myself and do simple things. Thursday, August 14th, 2003 9:27 pm Too tired to sleep Was going to get to bed early tonight (like 7:30) because I was tired and wanted to get up early tomorrow morning before going to a prenatal with P to work. My brother called twice and woke me up because he wanted to come over with his wife and 2 babies to use my computer for a while. Grrr. OK, you can come over. They come over and I play with my nephew (just over 2 years old) and my niece (7 months old) and we watch "Babes in Toyland" for a bit. They get done and before they leave my brother wants to show me his new car which is a 2 door w/a hatch back kind of deal on it. They put the babies in the back and he opens the trunk to show me how big it is and then closes it and we hear a squeak from my nephew and he starts to sob a little bit. The first thing that pops into my head is "did you get his fingers?" Yes, he did. Poor baby got ALL of his fingers smashed in the trunk but it was protected by the rubber seal. Lucky guy. He came out of the car crying I think from surprise and then said "kiss it, kiss it". We kissed his fingers and then off they went. Poor baby. 5:42 pm Tired afternoon Had a couple of prenatals with P today. Went to see the first mama and she chose to have a vaginal exam and is 3-4 cm which was exciting and reassuring for her. At the other mama's house her doggie is prego also and so P listened to her babies with the doppler! It was so funny! Tried to get onto Xanga again this afternoon but no luck. Damn you! Wednesday, August 13th, 2003 2:19 pm Moving from Xanga It's been a week since I was able to get onto Xanga's site and soooo much has happened. Hopefully I will be able to move my old posts over from there soon. Let's see... Friday: Got called out to go to the 5th time mama's house because she was starting to have regular contractions. Was there for a little while. She was using the breast pump and taking different herbs to try and get things going. She definitely had "watched pot" syndrome which was really interesting to see. We left her alone for a while with her hubby and things picked up until she was getting louder and louder and then P headed upstairs to see what was going on. She pushed for about 20 minutes and I just charted things here and there that I was hearing or seeing. Nice healthy boy was born at 11:47 p.m. which is the most popular hour for the births that I've attended so far. It was funny because at around 11:05 I said out loud "the baby's going to be born this hour". I don't know what it is about 11 o'clock. Saturday: Slept in late. Went with B to go to his grandfather's memorial service which went well. Actually got into a discussion with some of his relatives about birth, etc. I'll never understand why people who know that they don't believe in the same things as you will ask questions. B's uncle kept asking questions and frustrated by my answers of how normal birth is would say things like "well, I would have died if I hadn't been in the hospital", "there are babies that would die if they weren't born in a hospital". Yes, there are, you're very right, next topic please. Talked with B's brother for a while about healthcare, etc. His young girlfriend had just been to a friend's birth which was an earth shattering experience for her. You could see that it had set a lot of fear in her. She told me "the doctor told all of us that all women tear when they have babies, it's just something that happens". Of course, I felt the obligation to talk to her a little bit about it. Couldn't stand the thought of having her think that way for forever. It was a nice conversation. B's dad even talked to me about waterbirth. He's a shy man and has NEVER in the 7 years that I've known B's family actually looked me in the eyes and talked to me. Sunday: Cleaned house. Can't remember what else I did. Monday: Woke up early with bad stomach cramps thinking I was having an allergic reaction. Crap. They wouldn't go away and I couldn't sleep so I thought that I'd try and get up and work before the prenatal day started with P. Couldn't sit up straight to work so spent the rest of the morning either on the couch or in bed feeling yucky. Had to call P and cancel. Tuesday: Had a meeting with a newly pregnant mom who is going to have a hospital birth with a CNM who is a friend of mine (I had given them info about providers in the area and she chose this CNM because of waterbirth). Talked about my scope of practice, etc. gave some good recommendations for books for birth and breastfeeding. Went through my scrapbook of some of the births that I've been to which is a nice ice breaker plus it has good pics of the surrounding hospitals in this area so they can see the rooms, see what a placenta looks like, etc. I'm amazed at how lucky I am to be invited to family's births. What great memories I get to keep. Came home and then went grocery shopping with B. Got some fresh tomatoes from a friend of mine-yum! She gave me a whole bunch of seeds for basl that I'm going to try and plant soon. Made dinner for some friends and their 2 kids. Got cranberry juice dumped all over a brand new rug by her 2 1/2 year old son who'd stolen the juice from his sister :). Got another call from a mama due in October with her 2nd (I think that's 6 for October?) but she's going to be induced because her midwife is leaving to go on vacation and she doesn't want the backup doc. Crossing my fingers that things will go well that month. Please don't let me miss a whole bunch of school. Today: Got up early and started working. Slept like crap last night. B flip flops around all the time and I'm having a hard time getting used to sleeping in the same bed with someone every night. I hate it. He's a snuggler and I don't want to be touched. I wake up all the time pushed all the way to the edge of the bed with him wrapped around me snoring in my ear. Ugh. I wish I could be more snuggly because I feel bad that he doesn't get the attention that he craves a lot. I just really like my space. B got up and made me some nice breakfast while I continued to work. Opened up all the windows and just enjoyed the morning/early afternoon. Will be going to the farm store in an hour or so to buy some planters and potting soil. Hopefully I won't kill everything. | 
